over pineapple juice and gin

it all begins, again.

I’ve always been a writer at heart (idk why people say ‘at heart’. if you’ve been something, you’re that thing in all parts of your body) and naturally, I need an outlet to write.

I am also a Leo. So making my writing public isn’t such an outlandish idea. I’ve done it before, why not try it again?

About two years ago, I was writing in an online magazine called Undesirables with my best friend, and it was grand at the best of times. Our writing ebbed and flowed as much as written words on a pixelated screen can ebb and flow, but I found myself becoming stagnant. Writing the same fluff piece about ‘being yourself’ over and over with a slightly different hue each time. I wrote about wearing whatever clothes you want a LOT. Now I do, and I don’t see why you shouldn’t, thus I don’t need to write about it anymore. I considered this fact way back when, and instead of changing the subject, I stopped writing altogether. And then a bunch of ridiculously bad shit started happening to me, and I am officially accrediting it to not writing. Because thats easy.

Long story short, if you remember Undesirables, welcome back. I’ve missed you all. If not then welcome to the shitshow.

This time, however, I’m writing about a specific topic that I happen to be really close to. Borderline Personality Disorder specifically, but anxiety and depression as well. All of which I have been dealing with for upwards of three to five years.

I’ve chosen to write about these things on a public platform for a few reasons;

-its important to raise awareness about the mental health community and some of the things that we deal with

-it helps me deal with my own guilt and shame that I still harbour about my illness

-MOST IMPORTANTLY because when I was told I had borderline personality disorder, I couldn’t understand. I asked what that meant for me… and there really weren’t any answers. There was a pamphlet and a shrug. And let me be the first to say… FUCK a pamphlet. No one should have to figure out their lives based on pictures of smiling randos and vague symptom lists, regardless of if you’re being diagnosed with BPD or cystic fibrosis. No one needs that.

I’m writing all of this because I hope to be able to make an impact. On myself and others. If you’re out there, and you have borderline, or depression, or anxiety, life can be one big question mark, and I hope to minimize that empty wondering a little bit. If you’ve ever felt alone in your disorder, or scared because of a really bad night, I hope to pose a reminder, on paper, that you are not alone. I know that people say that all the time, but you can always come here, and read updates and lessons and real-time epiphanies that prove that I’m here, just as lost as you are. But at least we’ve got each other right?

I’m gonna post situational realizations related to BPD and anxiety and depression, long convoluted rambles, movie suggestions, playlists probably, a SHITTON of photos, some of it might relate to mental health and some might not but its all coming from a borderline brain… which is something that I was afraid to say 8/10 times until about 30 seconds ago.

But it’s all out in the open now. It’s all happening. I hope you enjoy the ride.

if you come to this site and you’re going through it and the posts aren’t enough, message me. my instagram is @rattyqueeen (three e’s) and I will NEVER not answer you or let anyone go alone.

see you soon,

a

(i missed writing that)