This is going to be a post about recklessness, which seems appropriate for today.
My predicament is that I woke up way too early, immediately drank a monster coffee bean bullshit energy drink, stumbled through an awkward encounter with shaky hands, immediately realizing how weak I was from the lack of energy and the lack of food. But, it being way too early to go back to bed, and me being not hungry at all, I went to my local coffee shop to write and drink more of the venom that got me in the first place. Which makes me post the question;
Why do we do the things we do?
And it’s something I’ve been asking myself for years, not realizing what the answer was. Why did I get myself into a situation where I have 4-5 new pieces of clothing but absolutely nothing in the fridge? Why am I on my sixth or seventh beer when I’ve only eaten a breakfast bar? (shout out sweet & salty bars tho y’all are my saving grace pls sponsor me) Why do I have so many folks that I only ever hang with in my bedroom at 3 in the morning? Why is it that I always get myself in these primal, borderline (ha) dangerous situations where my health is at stake?
At first I thought it was because of the suicidal tendencies that lay dormant in the back of my head. Maybe I wanted something bad to happen to me, maybe I wanted to starve myself or get into a thrillingly horrifying situation. But that didn’t seem 100% right. I didn’t wanna go out in any of those ways, nor do I want to go out in any way anytime soon at all. The suicidal tendencies are just like pop-up ads. Annoyingly present, but gone with a shake of the head and a slight adjustment. So that couldn’t be the case.
It was around the time that I started really diving into borderline info that I realized how ‘reckless behaviour’, the symptom listed on every website but never defined, applies to me. It seems that when I get into a reckless episode, I lose my ‘take a moment to think’ capabilities.
That dress is cute. $45? Fuck it. Ooooh, record store too? Well, I’ve already bought the dress, I might as well keep spending. This is the legitimate logic that goes through my mind in a typical ‘spending’ spree. Next thing I know, I’m at home, hanging up my new found and unneeded things, feeling guilty as hell but too embarrassed to go and return everything.
Okay, time to get up. I’d work better with coffee. Actually, you know what? An energy drink is cheaper. And you know what else is cheaper? Not eating. But let’s go to a bar and drink a little bit afterwords, it’ll even out. I’m a little shaky but I bet I look great. Pale faced and wobbly down the streets, like a real life Suzanna Kaysen or Sylvia Plath. I seriously romanticize my own disorder to myself to get out of being healthy, which is the least healthy thing I could do.
But the problem is, in those moments, I’m in it! I’m having a different type of episode and I haven’t gotten used to it enough to recognize and stop myself. But I’m getting there, and the acknowledgement is the first step. Which to me, sounds like a load of bullshit but I know doctors and therapists say it a lot so I guess it must have some merritt.
This post doesn’t really have a solution, I just hope that it can be relatable to someone, with BPD or not. Do you ever get reckless with your life? How do you stop it? I guess for today, I’ll leave this coffee shop, go back to my home and make some pizza pockets. Try not to spend anymore money. Try to be kind to myself. That’s what it’s all about anyway, right?
I’m working on it.