confessions of a 23-year-old highschooler.

…which isn’t to suggest I didn’t graduate highschool.

On one of my lengthy walks home filled I started thinking about how tired I was. A moment of weakness, if you will. How is it that it is a consistent struggle to achieve simple tasks everyday that everyone else can do daily? I was caught up in a ‘thisisn’tfuckingfair’ kind of moment, and I realized…

It’s almost as though, mentally, my brain stopped emotionally maturing around the age of 17.

Did your parents ever try to explain how when you’re a teenager, the highs in your life are really high, and the lows are earth-shatteringly low? I feel like that’s all I ever heard. That when you’re a ‘kid’, everything feels like the beginning or the end of the world, and I was always promised that once I got older, the rollercoaster of emotions would regulate itself out a little bit.

And I suppose it’s a classic case of being careful what you wish for because at the time, the thought of my emotions regulating made me wanna die. Think back to being a teenager… remember the first time you snuck out of the house with your friends. The first time you ever stayed up all night at a sleepover. Waiting by the phone all night hoping that your girlfriends or your crush would call you. Remember falling in teen love. Don’t all of those nostalgic pangs spark something inside of you for a moment? I mean sure, think about the first time you ever got grounded for a reaaaally long time, the first time your friends didn’t include you in that three-way call, or your first heartbreak. But don’t those almost ignite an old, familiar feeling for a moment as well?

Sometimes I feel like I still process events in the same ‘high and low’ mentality that I did before, but theres no nostalgia. There’s no room for nostalgia because everything that’s happening is happening currently. Almost like theres no light at the end of the tunnel because I’m not in the tunnel anymore, I’m an adult. I shouldn’t be processing things the way I’m processing them.

Now, I’m dealing with coworkers not saying hi to me sending me on a tailspin, messing up tasks at work equating to falling on your face in front of the whole gym class.

Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else with mental health issues often feel like they’re pouting like a stubborn teenager at the most minor of issues? Does anyone feel like stomping up the stairs to their rooms and slamming the door real hard?

Then again… does anyone find happiness listening to the same song over and over thinking about this absolute masterpiece of a person you’ve just got to have? Does anyone just love their friends so much sometimes that they could scream? Does anyone still put their hands out the window and do that wavey thing?

I guess it goes both ways,

but if you ask me if something is really ‘the end of the world’,

I will look you dead in the eyes and say

..yes.

xoxo, a

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