on may 15th 2019 I sincerely and wholeheartedly remember moving into the place im living now. it was the day after I moved in– I was thoroughly hungover and completely out of food save for a jumbo sized jar of salsa. I took a walk. I was alone– living alone, newly single, no parents in the city, and only enough friends to count on one finger. I found a poke shop, hugely overpriced but I was thankful I had some sort of food near my place. I brought it back home, and took a picture holding it in front of the window that faced the calgary tower, a commemoration of my first meal in my new home. I was filled with inspiration and a little bit of sorrow at the thought of my new life that I would create here. I spent the majority of my days alone, reading, making pasta and pots of coffee, reading tarot cards. I got to know myself quickly and became fond of the new friend.
fast forward to a year later, and in this moment everything seems to be the exact same but in the same way altogether different. my boyfriend (different) who has been staying with me through this covid crisis (DIFFERENT) has just moved back home, and I am alone again (same). the day after he left I woke up thoroughly hungover. I looked around my house, newly free of anything that wasn’t mine, and felt as though I had just placed all of these items where they had been for a year now. I walked to the poke shop, it was still open. I came home and stood in front of the same window with the same view. I felt alone as I ever had been before.
I started sleeping until 4 again, crying in the evenings, and making pots of coffee far too late for pots of coffee. I started reading magazines again, and taking writing prompts from them (hence this post). I became afraid of becoming a crazy cat lady or choking on food and nobody finding me until my body started to rot– just normal things like that. most importantly, I took the good with the bad.
being alone doesn’t have to be a negative. it can be scary, it can be lonely, it can be sad, but it doesn’t have to be negative. it can be a major period for growth, for realizations about yourself and your life, and it can be a period to refresh yourself and start over. I have a fear of spiralling downwards– sleeping until 6pm, drinking wine instead of coffee and going to places in my mind that I ought to stray from but if that is the case, so be it, i’ll reach beyond my ‘aloneness’ bubble and get some company that is all too used to dragging me out of the depths of my brain. the point is, it’s all okay. its all happening.
a year has passed and i’m still me. I have seen home as people, and ive seen home as a place, but I am still trying to find a home within myself. I guess I just got a tangible reminder of that. I feel like im at a checkpoint in my life standing at the pinnacle of all the good and all the bad. eating poke and staring out that window.
this was a post that was more for me than you guys I suppose, but thank you for stepping inside my mind to look around for a moment.
as usual, and now more than ever, if you are going through a hard time/are feeling hopeless, whether its a BPD issue or just a gloomy day issue, I am here for you continually. my instagram is @rattyqueeen (three e’s) and my account is public so you can message me and I will see it right away.
love yall, stay healthy and safe