love and borderline, are a tumultuous mix. being in love, at its most neurotypical, can have its ups and downs– now throw in the emotional rollercoaster of someone with borderline and you’ve got quite a storyline. I am happy that I can now say im in a place where I can say that I am in love, and that I can write about this subject matter, because for so long I had assumed that I wouldn’t be able to fall in love because of my disposition. I would play my frank sinatra and dream of a better life. but I am here to tell you that it is possible.
Its not easy. a slight shift in tone or a misjudged look can seem like the end of a long relationship, but as you grow and learn together, the feeling of ‘they just said something I don’t like and now I never want to see them again’ becomes less poignant. it always remains, but as you come to discover that you and your partner are settling into a groove, the chances of a blowout are less likely. the love that grows replaces the looming ‘they could leave me at any moment’ fear. the catalyst for a good relationship amongst borderline is time. the more time you send with your person, the more obvious it becomes that they aren’t just going to pack up and leave you, which is a major fear with borderline. for that problem, time and logic are your friends.
now, lets talk about splitting.
as a refresher, splitting is the phenomenon of loving someone with your whole heart one day, and absolutely despising them the next. this can be brought on by a trigger, and it can be brought on by nothing, and it is something we need to navigate. this WILL happen with your partner. you will fall in and out of love with them and sometimes the ‘out of love’ stage will seem to drag on. the first step is reminding yourself that this is normal amongst BPD lovers. you will have these times, and they do not make your love any weaker or stronger than the average relationship, its just a different way of loving. its a love with a pause button. sometimes you pause for a long time, but the TV never turns off. remember that. you can and will press play again. the second step is to STOP comparing your love to the love you see in the movies. it is unlikely you will have a meet-cute. its is unlikely that you will fall in love at first sight, and stay that way. it is unlikely that jake gyllenhaal will confess his love for you. it is even more unlikely that you will be receptive to such a strong gesture of love. your love will come in spurts, it will seem impossible to locate, and at times it will consume you. your love will be put first sometimes, and other times your love will be struggling to place at all. this is something you need to FORGIVE yourself for, and let yourself feel. try to take the ups for what they are– moments in love. and the downs for what they are too– momentary ‘pauses’ in love. thats life. thats love. more importantly, thats YOUR love. you will feel the highs like no other, and when the lows come, you hunker down and try to remember the good times.
It is important to lead in love without haste. it is important to look at the lows subjectively. how low is this low? how much validity does it have? probably not much. therefore, theres no sense in acting on your lows. you don’t need to leave your partner, you don’t need to fight, you need to ride out the low until it all comes around again into a glorious crescendo. now dont get me wrong, if you have problems that go beyond your emotional rollercoaster, you should address those problems. but first ask yourself; ‘are these emotions expendable? are they fleeting? is this something I can live with?’ and if it is, then you’ll more than likely find these problems melting away when you come around again.
to sum it all up, love is a little sticky with borderline. it will be the most intense and most rewarding feeling in the world when you fall in love, and it can be the most difficult to stay the course when you fall out of love, but all in all the highs far outweigh the lows. reign in your values, and make sure that ‘staying in love’ is one of them. don’t give up. communicate, pour out your love in the highs and discuss your feelings in the lows right from the beginning, don’t hide behind anything. love loudly. don’t be afraid to be frustrated. take care of yourself. take care of your partner. remember that the TV never turns off.
love you! love my partner! love myself!