I’ve been stuck with a frown lately. negative thoughts, pessimistic actions, dissociative reactions.
Its been really hard, watching myself go through the motions and dealing with my loved ones in such a negative way when really, on the inside im screaming WAKE UP!!!!!! ive been like this for some time now, and unfortunately I have more days than not where its still going on. but this is not one of those days, so I feel inclined to write about it as a checkpoint of sorts.
when you’re dealing with a blockage like this, I find the most important thing is to talk to yourself. voice how you’re feeling in the moment. for a long time I felt too blocked to even do this, because I felt like I didn’t have the energy or felt that it was too ‘lame’. but once I started saying ‘I feel frustrated because __________’, as hateful and negative as it was, to put those words in the universe was to dissolve the hate that I felt in my heart based around those words. after I started doing it my instinct was to stop because the words were just too hateful to even fathom, and I couldn’t believe I was saying them, but the act of saying them out loud turned down my hate levels a little more and soon I wasn’t saying such awful things. this can be applied to many situations, whether you’re saying negative things about other people, or negative things about yourself (or in my case both). same goes for the opposite– I would find after saying such hateful things out loud and attempting to dissipate them, I would follow up with some positives. cue the ‘I am beautiful, I am loved’ affrimatons that are so popular… BUT THEY WORK. if you tell yourself you’re beautiful 101 times, you’ll start believing it. after the next 101 times you’ll start to feel it. same goes for saying good things about other people. if you remind yourself that the people that surround you are good 101 times, you’ll start to make a mental checkmark when these actions affirm themselves. you’ll find yourself saying ‘THIS is why I said they were good’ as opposed to thinking ‘and THIS is why they’re so shit’.
another thing that I find is helpful during a negative block is to surround yourself with things you love. yous hould realistically be doing this all the time (because why wouldn’t you?) but it is especially important to hold onto this concept when you are feeling pessimistic. lights some candles, put on your favourite perfume, put on some light jazz or whatever it is that soothes you. create a sanctuary for yourself and stay there, you don’t have to move. clean your room and sit at your desk, take a deep breath and do the next step I recommend;
write it out. this is less portable than saying things out loud, but creates a dumpster to throw up all your feelings into. write on a piece of paper that you plan to burn, write on a social platform, reach out or stay in but either way get those words out. you will feel much less blocked when you are able to see how you feel on paper, and it might be messy, and it might be the worst things you’ve ever written, and it might KILL you if someone read what you wrote, but it needs to be written none the less. drop the paranoia and have trust in yourself that no one will see it because you’re responsible, and write it out. watch at least half of it disappear once its out of your system.
and most importantly, be kind to yourself. dont expect to snap out of this funk after one day of clarity, for me, I know that I will probably be pessimistic again maybe even tomorrow, but i’m on the up and up. I am actively trying to change my situation and slowly, I will. I have made big and small changes, and better times are on the horizon. I am walking more, and trying to enjoy nature more. admittedly, most of the time I don’t want to do it, and most of the time that doesn’t change even when I get out there. I am miserable and don’t want to look at nature. but slowly, i’ve noticed I have my head up more as opposed to staring at the ground, and it’s becoming part of my routine. i’ve realized that my job is a huge point of contention and negativity for me, so I applied to school so I can get off the front lines of social work and do more of the behind the scenes stuff. soon I will be working part time. this will be better for me. I am wearing what the fuck I want to wear, which has always been a huge indicator of how i’m doing. i’m still reading, i’m still knitting. i’ve started sitting at my desk instead of on the couch. these are the things that are changing my perspective and my mood.
I wish you luck. its hard. i’m here for you. lets life each other up. send me a message on instagram, i’m @rattyqueeen .